Saturday, March 22, 2014

Finding Strength

Facing my own mortality has always been  a difficult subject for  me to handle. My take on life is that I just want to live forever. I want to be a part of everything and every one's life and I really just don't want to miss out on anything. A new home, a kitchen I can  enjoying cooking in for my family and friends, watch Paige grow and become the women  she wants to be and just  spend my years with the man that I love. Am I really asking for much?  However the harsh reality is that one day we will all die. When and how, only God knows. No one is  immortal.

I  am faced  right now with two very important people in my life who are facing  death through the illness they have. One is a very special cousin and another is a recent friend who I have learnt alot from  in the  past few years. A women who I admire and  has  helped me in her own way to better understand  and accept what happened to Kelly-Anne. Her illness, hit me like a bolt of lightening. Totally unexpected. She is strong and her words to me still today bring a sense of  peace. It is all in her attitude. She is living each day to the fullest with the man that she  loves.

My cousin, so much  younger than I  knows she only has  a couple of years left on this earth. She is busy planning her funeral and after a few discussions with her, she seems to have covered  every little detail. As I listened to her speak, I said  to her that  it feels  like you are planning a party. She sounded so at ease, and ready to face  that day. Her  biggest  priority is to protect  the ones that she loves  the most, her immediate family and her boyfriend of the pain and the planning.

I  do not know how I would deal with  this situation if it was  me who  was faced with  knowing that I  was at death's door. But, I do continue to tell myself that we  will all die at some point in time. I am no different than anyone else. My only issue is  that I  will accept my fate differently that my friend or cousin. Just the thought of leaving Jules,Kim and Paige behind is so painful only because  I love  them so very much. Through my friend and cousin, they have both given me a gift of strength and courage to come to terms with my own mortality.

The circle of life continues and  I know that everyday and every moment are so  important.  It really isn't  about the house or the kitchen  or how much money one has. It is really all about family and friends and being surrounded with the  people  that love you and that you love. When the day comes, I  know I will  be reunited with Kelly-Anne and all my other family members who have  gone ahead. Ah another party !

Monday, March 17, 2014

Spring is Around the Corner !

Since the new year began, I  have been consumed with the  prospects of selling  our home and moving to a corner of the world a lttle more quieter. I have  been dreaming of  my herb garden - to-  be, decorating a special room for Paige and a kitchen where I can cook up  a storm.

Back to reality and  I still am also consumed with events that no  longer startle me  but only bring me back to Kelly-Anne and her murder.  I am also consumed with thoughts of  young  girls who are in abusive relations and  are held within  four black walls and cannot get out of their situation. Fear,  lack of understanding of what is happening around them are some of the reasons girls and young women  do not leave their relationships. For families and friends who see the sighs, it is frightening and hard to deal with. How would handle a situation where you found your  daughter, sister or  friend in a situation that could become tragic ?

Winter has been particularly hard this year. I though it was just me, but many are  telling me that  they too are tired and fed up of winter. This winter, I felt like a bear hibernating....I just didn't have the energy to  to much of anything. I do look forward to spring, putting away the boots and donning my Sketchers for a walk along the lake. Spring begins next week and with it brings also the vibrant tulips of the season.

I decided this year I would give up something  for cream. Yes, ice cream has to be my all round favorite food...well dessert, snack, treat,call it what you may. I have never in my life as far as I can remember ever gave  up something for Lent. I felt giving up something I love was the  least I could do to thank God for my life and the life  of  my  family and the new life of Paige.

Paige will be a year soon and  I see many characteristics of Kelly-Anne in her. Her sleep habits, her personality, her looks. It is Kelly-Anne all over again. We have been truly blessed !  

This year will mark the 10 th anniversary of  Kelly-Anne death. Special events will take place. Stay tune for more updates. So much has happened in the past  ten years. I can truly say that Kelly-Anne has been apart of all the events and the many decisions that were made. She had supported me when I  was down and protected me. She has  never left my side.

It  is time to look forward to the longer and warmer days......enjoy spring.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas Eve

It's hard  to believe that already  Christmas Eve is here. The meat pies smell delightful and the house looks like Christmas. The new  tree adorns the living room and the many old and new  ornaments hang gracefully. The theme is red, gold and green. Jules  and I decided to keep it very traditional this year.

Each Christmas brings the fond memories of Christmas past....when the girls were young and excited for Santa to make his arrival. That tradition will carry its way to Kim and her family. Paige is still too young but it does excite me to know that we still have a few years before she  re discovers who puts the gifts under the tree. It's her first Christmas and that being said reminds me of Kelly-Anne and Kim's first Christmas.

It has been a busy time for me at the office....and with each customer these past few days have brought me  more than just a special joy, but a joy of peace and hope for the future.  I held a child in my arms yesterday who is three years old and has an disease that cannot be cured. The father joyfully took a picture of us together with her new bear. The parents were  true examples of the love of Christ which shone through them. It  was  tough holding back the  tears. I  felt the lump in my throat but prayed to be strong.

We are soon off to church to see friends and new acquaintances. The dinner parties have already started and of course my bathroom scale is not cooperating with me. I guess a couple of  pounds over the holidays is not the end of the world.

Tonight I pray for peace in the world. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and to those not observing I wish  you joy throughout this season........and to all a good night.

Thursday, November 28, 2013


Kelly-Anne would of been 34 years old today. The prime of her life...enjoying her family, friends and an aspiring career. Living her dream.....traveling and probably spending today being American Thanksgiving with her best friend Rachel.

I cried this past week as I heard the news of another senseless murder of Sherri Thomas in Montreal. Her story, identical to Kelly-Anne's brought me back  nine years. Why  did this young  girl have to face the same fate as Kelly-Anne....her story, like Kelly-Anne's leaves me with so much pain.

Kell... I know you are at peace and I know you  have created miracles for your family. You have watched over us and  allowed us to have new joy with your niece.

Happy Birthday my baby.

Mom xxxxx

Friday, October 25, 2013

Continuing the Legacy with God's Help

Thanksgiving weekend was truly one of thanksgiving. We  baptised into God's Holy Church our granddaughter. She looked  like a  true gift from beautiful, alert, and joyful. I could not contain myself in church. There were too many emotions as it suddenly  hit me like a bolt of lightening, that  our granddaughter is the image of Kelly-Anne at that same age. That night I browsed through pictures of Kelly-Anne's baptism and realized that the baby was an actual clone of Kelly-Anne. How is this possible I asked myself. I sent  a picture of  Kelly-Anne next to the baby's picture to   relatives and friends  and they all agreed with me...awesome...but really what I can only say is that God allowed the soul of Kelly-Anne to be placed in our granddaughter. There is no other explanation for this. This is His gift to us, His  creation and His message. That child has already been blessed and having her is a blessing to us.

After the baptism and luncheon, she and her  parents came to our home for Thanksgiving  dinner. Needless to say, we were all exhausted but still enjoyed the turkey and all the trimmings. The baby's supper consisted  of mashed squash and apple sauce. Once a spoonful is given to her, there is not stopping. She just loves to eat !  She reminds me so much of the girls when they first started to  eat food...especially Kelly-Anne who always ate more than Kim.

Even today, I continue ponder about how the baby will develop, what  kind of  a little girl will she far we know that she will be a  happy loving child...a child of God, a child who I  know will  go to Sunday school and learn about her faith and why she was baptized. She will one day make  her own decisions about her faith and have her own personal relationship with God.

Also, she will one day come to know who her Auntie  Kelly-Anne was. Her family will see more traits of  Kelly-Anne, her mother and father in  her. I can only believe that with God's help and protection, our baby will have a beautiful life ahead of her, surrounded by her loving  family and friends. She  and all  of us are truly blessed. Her  life has brought  us such joy in knowing that Kelly-Anne lives on in this child of God.

Saturday, October 5, 2013


I awoke in the early hours of the morning and saw an email from a  close friend. She wrote that she was  thinking of Kelly-Anne and wished her eternal memory. She  then mentioned as if she was writing to Kelly-Anne how her family have kept her memory alive and that she will never be  forgotten. I fell back to  sleep and  felt cradled under my comforter, that my daughter was near by.

I spoke with another close friend yesterday who reminded me of all the good things that have happened to me in the past  nine years. The biggest highlight is the new birth of our granddaughter. She has and will continue to bring joy and happiness to our lives.

Today I decided that I wanted a normal day....a quiet one of reflection, of joy and remembrance. Yes  remembering Kelly-Anne as the faithful, loving daughter, but also remembering those who still suffer from domestic violence. I know that there are still women out  there who are living in fear, who know that they should not be in the relationship that they are presently in, but feel that they have no other recourse. I ask that if you know someone  who is in this situation, please reach may be saving a life.

 I am also thinking of  the upcoming baptism. Last minute preparations are on the way. That will keep me busy today. I am also sadden that certain family members will not be there. Next week we will also remember family members living in Heaven with Kelly-Anne who are very missed at this time.

Our granddaughter will learn one day about Kelly-Anne and her legacy. I know this baby will make a change in the world. 

Each time I  look at a picture of her, I am reminded of Kelly-Anne. I am reminded that  there is hope for the future and that the only thing I can do is continue to forge forward and live. It is the least I can do to honor my daughter, Kelly-Anne. Memory eternal!

Friday, October 4, 2013

Deep in the Stars

" There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that  you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real."

                                                                                                         Charlie Brown