Saturday, January 9, 2016

The Note

In my September 30th entry entitled The Little Dinosaur, I wrote about a tiny piece of paper which had belonged to Kelly-Anne. I had happened to find the note on the sofa while I rearranged her cards. It was her cost analysis of what it  would cost to create a gift card. It was an complete inventory of the items she would need and how much it would cost  to create the card. A tiny square paper with so much info. I was stunned at the time and felt that this note was also a message that only I and my husband would understand.

The meaning became even more clearer in December when I started my new position. Just yesterday, I sat with my co worker to analysis spreadsheets of inventory which included a breakdown of projected stock on order. As I studied the spreadsheets, I couldn't help think that all this was already known to Kelly-Anne some time ago. Her message via the tiny piece paper was clear. Part of my responsibilities would be working on analysing data.

On the other side of the table, my husband also does a similar but more in depth job as an inventory controller. When the tiny piece of paper was found, Jules was adapting to his new position and wasn't quite sure if he would continue with it. The note for him meant that he should continue to forge forward in his new position.

I awoke during the night last night thinking about those spreadsheets and how Kelly-Anne seems to always have my back. I felt her warmth near me and I was at peace.

Each day at work I am reminded just how lucky I am to be surrounded by great people. Clients call me from as far as Hawaii, but the ones that touch me the most with their stories and struggles are those right here in Quebec. The women I speak with and for some that I  meet, many are breast cancer survivors. I praise their determination and courage as they face multiple surgeries. They are on a path to wellness. It is a process. Listening to these women reminds me to never give up. Un beknown to them, they are  helping me on my path to wellness.

This year, it is about me and my family and our health and wellness.Taking care of myself will only make me better at what I do for others.

My coach again has my back.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Christmas 2015

It is the time of the year of family gatherings, meeting up with friends and over eating. A time of unity and peace. This Christmas brings me a special joy  that I can only say Kelly-Anne had implicated herself in from afar. I started to work again in an exciting company surrounded by good people. A company where I am able to continue making a difference in other people's lives. I have been truly blessed that this new opportunity literally fell into my lap.

The signs were present from afar that this new position was meant for me. It was as if  Kelly-Anne led me to this company in such an indirect way. Even the first week there, she confirmed to me in her own way that I belonged there. I could just imagine her chuckling to herself with that infectious smile on her face when she realized that I caught on to her messages....all through other people.

Life is strange and after life is even stranger. I consider myself very blessed to have this special connection to  my daughter. It is one that I have never had with any other family member who has passed. Maybe it is because it is so different to loose a child. It is not  how the circle of life is suppose to be.

I am blessed to have Jules, Kim, Joe and Paige. The excitement is mounting as we will be with Paige for Christmas. The baking and Christmas crafts continue this weekend with Paige. I see Christmas through her eyes. Paige is not a fan of Santa and  made it quite clear today as she told her mother "no seeing Santa". I am sure she will be delighted when she sees her presents under  her Christmas tree. Maybe then she will realize that Santa is not such a bad guy after all.

I hope for those of you who have taken the time to read my posts that this Christmas you too can see Christmas through the eyes of a child. Merry Christmas.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Another Awakening

It took the horrors of last week's terrorist attacks in Paris and Beruit for me to come to another step in my healing process. The wise words of a man who lost his wife in the attack at the Batalan hit me so unexpectedly today. His attitude was so spot on....I first  said to myself that this  man is still numb and once the reality of his loss hits, he will feel the hatred and anger. I then said to myself that I have no excuse. I have to separate myself from the hatred and anger I have felt for so long against Kelly-Anne's killer. I can no long entertain these feelings. I cannot allow myself to be a victim of his own hatred and anger.

I choose to to be happy and to live my life to the fullest. The next time he sees me he will know how happy I am. Whether he understands my happiness is not something I really care about. My happiness and my freedom are both important to me...something he will never have.

Last week I receive a phone call from Correctional Services Victim's Services informing me that he was transfered to a maximium security prison because the prison felt he was a security risk. It was only two months ago that he was transfered to a low/medium security prison. My first reaction was how he just can't get his act together and that he must of caused problems. Then I did the happy dance was my way of saying thanks. My work of keeping him behind bars for as long as possible gets easier.

Tomorrow is soon upon me here in Eastern Standard Time. I look forward to the day and what I will experience. I look foward to things to learn, new people to meet.. even the slightest hello and warm gesture to a stranger in the shopping mall as we hear the sounds of Christmas music will make my day.

Enjoy yours too !

Monday, November 2, 2015

Living the Life of Riley

My Monday morning started off as usual... a load of laundry in the washer, the Keurig turned on for my morning fix and a light breakfast. Of course my coffee always tastes better while checking out the news headlines. Low and behold there he is with a big happy grin on his face...Luka Magnotta.

The Montreal Gazette recounts  letters that  Magnotta had written to friends about  his life in prison. I read it once and that was enough to tell me once again that our tax dollars are making a lot of prison inmates happy campers in their university frat house lifestyle. Access to movies, junk food,"good" prison food, pizza parties and fun times exercising and keeping in shape while many Canadian families struggle to feed, educate, dress their children in non- Versace clothingwhile trying to keep them active in sporting activities.

To say the least, I am personally insulted....another slap in the face for the victims of homicide and in particular the family of Lin Jun. I understand that the media has the right to choose what they want to present to the  public but sorry, this article is hurtful as many families of victims will  read it and ask why is this being allowed. Our children are dead because of these monsters and they are living the Life of Riley while we pass each day of the rest of our lives missing our  loved ones and trying to cope and be productive citizens.

Not to mention how Magnotta  and Cousineau and many other inmates have easy access to medical doctors. Magnotta recounts that his doctors are great. Cousineau recently was transferred to a prison closer to his doctors while we all wait for doctors appointments which take months.

I only hope and pray that Justin Trudeau will bring change to our Justice system. Prison should not be a frat house nor Club Med. The Canadian prison  system is a mockery and an insult. 

Forging voice will be heard.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Little Red Dinosaur

The falling of colorful autumn leaves around our property reminds us that October is soon approaching. A month for most of my life that I enjoyed, now is a deep reminder of the pain and sadness that took over our lives in 2004.

Each year we remember Kelly-Anne, her trip to Italy, the strained relationship with her boyfriend, the hidden torment that was going on inside of her. Throughout the years, our lives have taken on new meaning, there have been new beginnings, new challenges and opportunities, new sorrows and new loves.

My biggest new love is Paige. She has grown into a beautiful, well adjusted, articulate bright child. Each time I boast of her accomplishments to a close friend, he responses to me by asking if I have submitted an application for her to Harvard yet. Of course, my response is yes!

Paige started pre-school today with the same gusto and excitement that Kelly-Anne had on her first day of Kindergarten. She took along her little red dinosaur as Kim tells me that Paige says
"aunt Kell gave me". Kim tells me that Paige knows the dinosaur will keep her safe. 

My emotions have taken the best me...more tears again this morning. Yesterday, I was cleaning the family room. I came across all of  Kelly-Anne's greeting cards that were in a clear unsecured plastic bag. Once I  placed them in a better bag and finished cleaning up the room, I  notice a tiny square piece of paper lying on the sofa. I  picked it up and there was a break down of a cost analyst referring to what it cost to make a greeting card all in Kelly-Anne's hand writing. I honestly do not know how this tiny piece of paper got to the sofa as I did not see it fall from the bag of greeting cards. I was stunned since I had never seen this this note before. I sat on the sofa in disbelief as I read it over and realized that Kelly-Anne had purposely put this paper on the sofa for me to read. The message, only Jules and I would understand, was very clear to me. The message gave me the reassurance and hope that  something  good was soon to happen. 

Kelly-Anne is never far....the good angel protecting her family and friends. As this weekend approaches, I ask all of you to pray in thanksgiving for your life, the lives of others who have left this earth and for peace in our world. May her memory be eternal !

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Un Tueur Si Proche

Last  August, Pixcom Productions started the filming of Kelly-Anne's story. We spent a stressful day being interviewed and filmed about who Kelly-Anne was and what our expectations are going  forward regarding her killer's incarceration.

Finally the documentary will be aired on Canal D on Friday, September 18th 2015 at 20:00 hrs and again on Saturday, September 19th at 13:00 hrs. I have mixed emotions about seeing the episode. Many  questions come to mind...who will play the roles of Kelly-Anne and Martin. How will I be perceived. Will my French  be understood? And lastly, how will the attack on Kelly-Anne  be portrayed.

The production company sent me a letter and suggested that those close to Kelly-Anne not watch it alone. I can only  assumed it will be dramatic and emotional. I can handle it. I know I can with a few tears. My husband will be with me along with a good friend.

It is not only I that will be on screen. Kelly-Anne's father, Martin's mother, the defence lawyer and our lead detective will speak. Hopefully the story will impact the community; especially women who are in abusive relationships. If one women is saved, then we have done our job.

The link  is the following.  Excerpts may be on line after the being televised. for those who are not able to get Canal D in  their regions.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

A Short Visit

Ever so softly Kelly-Anne stroked my right hand this morning as I lightly slept. She woke me as the sun shone through our bedroom window. As I awoke, I knew she was nearby. Her message was clear, it was time to wake up and face the the new day with optimism and hope.

Another bright summer morning. I feel renewed, strong and ready to meet new people and see new places. A new challenge awaits me.

I know Kelly-Anne has my back.